Love Triangles Are For Losers
by seriousish
Summary: Emma wants Neal and Hook off her back, and what better way to get two heterosexual men to stop being interested in you than to pretend to be in a lesbian relationship? Yeah, she's not good at this.


Regina was good at sensing the beginnings of awful trends. Disco. Ironic facial hair. And now, Emma Swan asking her for help.

"Regina, c'mon, it's just a small favor. You owe me."

Regina looked at Emma, since she wasn't foliage and after five days in the jungle, Regina was willing to look at _anything _that wasn't green. "I owe _you_? How do you figure that?"

"Because of you, I grew up in an orphanage. Who makes people grow up in orphanages? Charles Dickens characters and _you._"

"I raised Henry!"

"I gave birth to him!"

"I told him where babies came from! And he had questions!" Regina looked away. "So many questions."

"Regina, please—"

"I had to look some things up online, but our son now knows what a demisexual is. _You're welcome._"

Suddenly, there was some rustling in the foliage. People were coming. Emma quickly grabbed Regina's hand. "Just play along and I will make it up to you later, I swear to God."

Before Regina could either come up with a sarcastic rejoinder or stop Emma from pawing her hand—it was a toss-up which was more pressing—Neal burst from the brush, followed closely by Hook.

"Hey, Emma, got the fire going. Plenty of wood, so it won't burn out during the night."

"And I gathered us some food," Hook said, right on his heels. "A boar, but don't worry, I took the trouble of gutting it myself. It's shish-kebobed for whenever you get hungry."

"Thank God we have a fire to cook it on," Neal replied.

Emma held up her hands. "Guys! Look, I get what you're doing—even though you said you wouldn't, I get that it's hard for you to stop thinking about what's going to happen after we get Henry back and who I'm going to be with. Well, the truth is, I can't be with either of you, even after we rescue Henry. Because I'm with Regina."

"What?" Neal cried.

"What?" Hook cried.

"_What?_" Regina cried, but upon seeing Emma's pleading eyes, and the boys' stricken stares, she patted Emma's hand unconvincingly. "I thought we weren't going to tell people about our relationship just yet. Our loving… _loving _relationship."

"Yes, I thought that too. But it's not fair to Neal and Killian not to tell them."

"But she's tried to kill you!" Neal objected. "She's lied to you and betrayed you!"

Hook coughed uncomfortably. "Well, that isn't so bad, but… she's your grandmother!"

"Don't even start," Regina said warningly.

"I mean, I thought that only happened in pornography…"

"Do you want to be Captain Strap-on?" Regina asked. "It can be arranged."

"Sorry, mate." Hook shook his head. "It's just a hard thing to feel an affinity for someone and then be denied their affection." He set his jaw as he looked away. "What is it with the blondes in your family anyway?"

He stalked off, leaving Neal still gaping.

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way," Emma said. "But the important thing is taking the fight to Pan, right?"

"Yeah, yeah of course. I'm just gonna go… _damn, _you and _Regina? _I mean, the lesbian thing isn't a surprise, but _Regina?"_

"What?" Regina asked, offended. "Am I suddenly not wealthy, powerful, and sexy?"

"Well, no, it's just…" Neal ran his hands through his hair. "I figured if Emma ever went that way, it'd be for someone like Ruby."

"_Ruby? _Don't make me _laugh_?" Regina waved her hand around like Ruby was a foul stench she was fanning away. "Ruby's a girl. I'm a woman. And Emma needs a woman to keep her on the straight and narrow, not stealing cars and having children out of wedlock. Isn't that right, Emma?"

Emma was mostly just shocked by how Regina had suddenly put a hand around her hip and pulled her close. "Yeah. She said things that I agree with."

Neal seemed to finally succeed in smoothing his hair out as smoothly as it would go. "Well, Emma, so long as you're happy. I need to go check on the fire."

He disappeared after Hook, leaving Regina to take her hand off Emma as if she'd just discovered the blonde was a very cunningly disguised pile of cockroaches.

"So, _lover_… it seems we have a few things to talk about."

"I know, I _know, _but they just keep… _courting me_. Everywhere I go, they're trying to impress me and show off their muscles and kiss me…"

"Oh, you poor dear," Regina said sardonically. "However did you survive?"

"Yeah, laugh it up, but being in a love triangle is not as much fun as Twilight makes it look like. I just want them to take a couple million cold showers and help me get my son back, but since just _saying _that isn't doing the trick, I needed someone to take me off the menu. You're the only other person on the team who isn't a blood relative or already dating someone."

"So you just assumed I'd be willing to be your reverse beard."

"Regina, please, I just cannot deal with this Ross and Rachel crap when my son's out there. It's worth a lot to me. I will pay you cash money to help me out here."

Regina folded her arms. "How much money do you even have in the bank?"

Emma looked askew. "Twenty-four dollars. Give or take; I had a croissant before we left Storybrooke."

Regina rolled her eyes. "I'll do it for twenty. And on two conditions."

"Here it comes," Emma muttered.

"Firstly, no one but you and I are in on this. To everyone else, we really are a couple."

"Well, I wasn't going to tell Mary-Margaret _anything, _but not even Rumpel gets to know?"

"Especially not Rumpel," Regina clarified. "And second, I expect you to be my girlfriend in every capacity."

"Are you…" Emma blinked. "Are you talking _scissoring_?"

"What?" Like Regina had smelled spoiled milk, her face soured. "No! Don't be disgusting. I meant I expect you to rub my feet and massage my back and all that nauseatingly Valentine's Day idiocy that Snow and Charming do for each other."

"Oh. Cool. I can manage that." Emma did a double-take. "Okay, you didn't have to say having sex with me would be _disgusting. _I'm cute. I just had two guys drooling over me. You were here, you saw it."

"Here you'd be referring to Jack Sparrow's inbred cousin and the man voted most likely to get beaten up in the first five minutes of a Batman movie? Yes, I fear my standards are a bit higher than that."

Emma waved her hands in the air. "I don't even care. We can have one of those celibate relationships, like my parents have."

"Actually, they seem to quite often—"

"_Like my parents have," _Emma repeated. "Speaking of which, we should tell them before Hook and Neal let it slip."

"Oh, let me, I insist." Regina smiled darkly.

* * *

Emma would've objected, but Regina handily magicked her arms and legs together, then gagged her. First night in a relationship with Regina, already bondage. No surprise there. Emma watched as Regina went through the bushes to where David and Mary-Margaret were canoodling (she wasn't prepared to refer to any of her parents' nighttime activities as anything other than canoodling).

"Charming," Regina said in greeting. "_Snow."_

"Regina," Mary-Margaret replied, in the same tense voice. "Can we help you with something?"

"I have an announcement to make."

Emma thought _Oh God _so hard she was surprised it wasn't audible.

"For a long time now, I've had feelings for someone—an ally, I guess you'd call them—that I haven't known what to do with. And very recently, I was able to admit these feelings, and act on them. I suppose what I'm trying to say is… I'm in love."

Mary-Margaret's face went to war. On one side, her happiness for anyone, even Regina, finding love. On the other side, all the suspicion in her body, which was directed exclusively at Regina, with none for anyone else. "That's… great news, Regina!" She possessively clutched David, remembering how he'd told her about Regina kissing him. It'd been a very good thing to know while they were debating whether to strand Regina in Storybrooke or take her back to lifetime imprisonment in the Enchanted Forest. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Oh, it's not a guy."

"Great!" Snow relaxed her grip on David. "I mean, it'd be great if you were straight too… not that it's not great that you're gay, I've always believed that gay is okay… not that great is better than 'okay', straight is okay too… wait, are you bisexual?"

"I don't like labels. Something to do with getting nicknamed the Evil Queen…" Regina shrugged. "All that really matters if that I've found my happy ending."

_What have I done? _Emma thought.

Snow smiled whole-heartedly. "I'm so happy for you, Regina. Everyone should have someone, whether they be gay, straight, bisexual…"

Regina smiled back at her. "It's Emma."

"Demisexual," Snow continued, before having a tiny stroke. "Wait… I'm sorry, I don't know this 'Emily' you're referring to."

"I didn't say Emily. I said Emma. Emma Swan."

For a single second, Snow looked very much like she was being electrocuted. "Who's… who's calling themselves Emma Swan now?"

"Your daughter. Emma. Blonde, fondness for red pleather, drives a VW Bug."

Snow stared straight ahead. It was quite possible she'd taken Quaaludes a little while ago and they had suddenly kicked in.

David patted her on the arm. "Well, to be honest, this isn't _that _big a surprise."

"Really?" Regina asked curiously, echoing what Emma would've said if she weren't gagged—though her version would be in a far bigger font size.

"Let's face it, honey." David continued patting Snow's arm, like maybe she hadn't felt it the first time. "Emma never has been much for the fellows. And she does seem to save Regina's life an awful lot. Exactly the way a kid of mine would let someone know they're liked."

"It did start after Emma rescued me from the Wraith," Regina nodded. "I began to think of her—not as an annoying slob with an obnoxious moral code and a desire to connect with her son that came a full decade too late to be valid—but as someone with _potential._ And when she got back—me having saved her life—well, she was quite thankful. She even invited me to her pants party. I mean, the party you two held for her. Not the party in her pants." Regina glanced in Emma's direction. "That would be inappropriate."

"nnnnnnnn," Snow said.

"I think Snow is wondering why we're not hearing this from Emma," David said over her.

"Well, Snow is still very concerned what your response would be to this. After all, Emma and I haven't had the most stable relationship… owing to outside factors, of course… like you killing my mother. But now I think we're finally on the same page, and you all deserve to know how happy I make her." Regina smiled widely at Snow. "I think your daughter is really happy these days."

"m," Snow said.

"I'll go get her." Regina stepped into the brush, quickly disappearing from sight. In a moment, she was at Emma's side, several meters away from the Charmings' campfire. With a wave of her hand, Emma's mystical bonds and gag disappeared.

"You…!"

"Now, now, dear. You told Hook and Neal about us. It was the least I could do to handle coming out to your parents."

"Five minutes together and we're already having communication issues." Emma shrugged and moved back with Regina to the campfire, where Snow had recovered enough to rock back and forth.

"Hey, guys," Emma said, a little disconcerted by having Regina's hand on her waist again. "So… Regina told you."

"Well, it didn't take us entirely by surprise," David said smugly. "The way you two look at each other—and how you bicker like an old married couple, I'm surprised we didn't catch on sooner."

"Yeah, you got us!" Emma laughed nervously.

"How… long…?" Mary-Margaret croaked.

"Oh, a couple months now," Regina rattled off confidently. "Not counting the one night stand before the Curse broke, of course. And we went on a little break when she thought I killed Archie, for obvious reasons. But now, I think we've really got it figured out. By the way, I don't want you to worry, we do practice safe sex."

"Nnnnrg," Mary-Margaret said.

"We're so happy for you," David added quickly.

"And it's so good to finally have it out in the open!" Regina breathed. "I can finally tell my honey bunny how precious she looks." Regina leaned her head against Emma's shoulder. "And I can touch her cute little tummy…"

Upon being tickled, Emma let out a shrill laugh. "Quit it!" She slapped Regina's hand away, flushing.

"Such a cute tummy—" Regina stage-whispered as she pulled her hand back.

"What on God's green earth am I watching?" Rumpelstiltskin asked, emerging from the brush in a kind of dazed horror.

Mary-Margaret turned to him and pointed desperately at Emma and Regina, like she was trying to warn him of an approaching monster. "_Nurble!_"

David coughed. "Emma and Regina were just telling us how they've… found happiness together."

Rumpel's face narrowed. "Is that so?"

"Yes. It's so," Regina confirmed snidely. "I really wanted to tell you back at the beach, when you were talking about how I didn't have anyone and you had Belle. As your oldest friend, of course I wanted to share with you how I'd found such a lovely, special lover—" (At the word 'lover,' Mary-Margaret opened her mouth, but any sound she made was only audible to dogs.) "—but of course, Emma had sworn me to secrecy. But now you can stop worrying! I have someone. Someone just perfect for me, and for many other people, who she won't be with, because she's with me." Regina's head tilted to the side in condensation.

"Yeah…" Emma said, patting Regina on the back. "That about sums it up."

"I mean, not that we don't have problems." Regina shook her head darkly. "We're not perfect. Emma has so many responsibilities as the Savior, and it's not easy for her to be the daughter of Storybrooke's rulers. I really do envy you, Rumpel—your girlfriend's, what, a librarian? The daughter of a flower shop owner? That must be nice. But I knew what I was getting into when I started a relationship with someone so powerful and with so much authority."

"Yes, well," Rumpel cleared his throat. "I'm sure you'll find relationships much easier when you don't tie your significant other to your bedpost."

"Or when she enjoys that," Regina shot back.

Something gurgled in Mary-Margaret's throat.

"I do wish you all the happiness in the world," Rumpel nodded. "I can't wait to feel the same way, when I return to Belle in Storybrooke."

Regina just buried her nose in the back of Emma's head. "God, babe, your hair smells so good…"

Emma laughed nervously.

* * *

That night, Regina convinced Emma that, as fake girlfriends, they should be sleeping away from the main group in order to have their privacy. "Unless, of course, you'd like to fall asleep snuggling in front of everyone else."

Emma had not. Instead, she would be sleeping across from Regina, a goodly distance away from the main camp so no one would stumble onto them in the night—a precaution Emma wished certain other couples on the team had taken, if only so the reverse-cowgirl position would not be irrevocably ruined for her.

"Good to see you handling this so maturely," Emma said, pillowing her arm under her head.

"What?" Regina asked, laid out on her back. "You're benefiting from this fake relationship, I'm benefiting from it. What's the problem?"

"I could've done without you making obscene gestures to me in front of my mother."

"Excuse me for being a method actor."

"Even Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't sign about wanting to fist someone while talking about his son's living arrangements after he's rescued from Peter Pan."

"We settled an important question about the future while convincing your family of our deception. That's multitasking, Emma. It's very important when you're a mother."

"Oh, you've got being a mother down alright…"

Regina reared her head up to face Emma. "Was that a comment on my parenting skills?"

"No, I was subtly calling you a motherfucker."

"Ah." Regina laid back down. "That I will not object to. Well, good night."

"Good night, Regina."

"I love you."

"I find this preferable to watching a cockfight every time I'm in the same room as two career criminals," Emma replied in the same mocking tone.

Regina nodded and stretched herself one last time, getting comfortable. Then she moaned softly.

"Regina?" Emma asked.

"Don't worry," Regina replied, "I'll be gentle. Oh! _Oh my, _that feels so good."

"What're you—"

Regina put her fingers to her lips, then raised her own volume. "Oh yeah, baby… yeah! _Take it, baby, yeah!_"

Emma shook her head. "Honestly?"

"Who's is it, Emma? _Who's is it!?_"

Emma covered her ears as Regina got louder, now huffing and puffing like she was about to blow a house down, moaning and panting like she was staging a one-woman reboot of The Exorcist. "Fuck yeah, Emma! You've got it! You've got it so good! More fingers, baby, I need it so bad! I need _you _so bad!"

"Like I wouldn't've gagged you by now," Emma muttered as Regina began slamming her hand rhythmically against a nearby tree.

"Yes! Yes! I'm so close, baby! I'm almost there! Harder! _Harder, goddamnit! Oh God! Yes, Emma, yes, I'm gonna come! You're making me come! I'm coming!"_

"Gee, are you?" Emma asked.

"I'm squirting!" Regina replied at the top of her lungs. "You're making me squirt! I'm a squirter! Oh God, I'm squirting everywhere!"

Regina grabbed a bottle of water from her purse and doused Emma with it, smiling dearly. Emma sputtered and spat, which she hoped wasn't audible to everyone camped nearby.

Letting out a sated gasp, Regina settled onto the ground. "Oh… oh God, Emma! You beast, you were magnificent! You're the best fuck ever!"

"You can forget about Pan's shadow," Emma whispered. "I'm kicking your ass back to Storybrooke."

"Just staying in-character, my love," Regina whispered back. "After all, our relationship is in its honeymoon phase."

"I don't think my character of _me _would be interested in having sex while my son is in danger."

"Ah, but my character is smart enough to know your character needs to relax and unwind to keep from cracking under the stress, so every night she lovingly penetrates her beloved girlfriend."

"Every… night?"

"For starters," Regina winked, then raised her voice. "Again? Oh my God, Emma, you're insatiable!"

Emma rolled over and closed her eyes, resolved to ignore Regina.

"Emma, you hot little bitch—where did you get that vibrator!?"

* * *

_Five years later…_

"So, I think we should start telling people we're not really a couple."

Regina looked across the dinner table at Emma, eyebrow piqued. "Oh?"

"Yeah. I mean, we didn't get a chance to tell Henry our secret before he rescued him, so I realize that made things really difficult. And we both did agree to just let it run its course for a while, especially since I needed time to make up my mind between Neal and Hook."

"Yes, as I recall, Hook is dating a cocktail waitress in Wonderland and I do believe Neal is still seeing that Shaquita, proving that once you go black, indeed, you never go back. So you might want to get a move on that love triangle business."

Emma took a bite of pork roast. God, her fake girlfriend was such a good cook. "I just think things have gotten a bit out of hand. We moved in together, we opened that joint bank account, you changed your will… I bought you that engagement ring… you booked that chapel… and we started sleeping together."

"You're the one who has needs," Regina said pointedly. "I just do my part because it wouldn't be very believable for our relationship for you to be picking up strange men in bars."

"Oh, like you don't enjoy it. I'm not the reason we soundproofed the bedroom, or bought those rubber sheets."

"I told you our first night together that I was a squirter."

"A squirter? Regina, water guns 'squirt.' What you do is like a levee breaking. I actually feel insensitive to the good people of New Orleans when you come."

Regina put her hand on her heart in outrage. "I gave up apples because you prefer a citrus taste! Do you know how many fruits you have to eat before you ejaculate 7-Up?"

"Don't you start getting Italian on me! You're not even from Italy!"

With a roar, Regina threw herself at Emma.

Afterward, Emma lit up a cigarette, trying to keep the smoke away from Regina, but handing the cigarette over when Regina gestured for it. She took it back fairly quickly.

"I love make-up sex."

"I'm pretty sure that was the fight."

"So the make-up sex is still coming?"

Regina kissed Emma's shoulder. "Always."

Emma took a deep drag on the cigarette. "So, you wanna keep this fake relationship going another year?"

"Well, yeah. Until Henry's off to college, at least."

"And we should give it at least a couple of years after the wedding," Emma added, to Regina's nods. "We wouldn't want people to say we didn't give it a try."

"But you don't mind the handcuffs, right? I feel like in a relationship at this stage, we should be experimenting in the bedroom. You never know who might be watching."

"Of course. And I know you have needs and I have no problem with meeting those certain, sexual needs." Emma bit her lip. "But you're going to keep using the belt, right? I don't like the flogger."

"Oh, I lost the flogger."

"Too bad."

"I wasn't that into it anyway. Total coincidence that you're not comfortable with it."

"Clearly. Since, you know, you don't care what I like."

"Since we're not in a relationship."

"Exactly."

"And I don't love you."

"I don't love you either."

"Wanna snuggle on the couch and watch Letterman?"

"Is that what a real couple would do?"

"I think so. It's important to stay in character, after all."

"Then let's do it." Emma took one last puff on the cigarette before handing it to Regina to finish off and magick away. "Faking a relationship is such hard work."


End file.
